A little friendly competition never hurt anyone… December 13, 2008

It’s been forever since I wrote in this thing. I suck. I used to not be able to go a day without writing a post or two when I was in high school. Things have changed. Well, duh, but you know what I mean.

Anywho, I ended up with EXCELLENT grades this quarter, if I do say so myself. I got all A’s for my third 4.0 in a row. WAHOO! I am so proud of myself. I really couldn’t be happier today if I tried. It just feels really good to get validation for things I know I’m good at, especially during the times when I begin to question what I really am capable of.

I think one of the main differences between me at the beginning of college, where I didn’t really care about my grades or my work or school in general, to me now is that I have made friends in my major classes and we schedule together and take the classes together. This has helped me more than you can imagine. I have someone to actually hold me accountable for my work. I have a friend there who I feel like depends on me to come to class as much as I depend on them. But most importantly, I have someone to compete with. I know that doesn’t sound like the best statement, but it’s true. I don’t want my friends to do better than me; I want to stay on the same page with them. If they are doing better, it gives me more drive to work harder. And it makes me feel good when I do just as well as them. Plus, I challenge them as well. It just makes things more interesting.

I don’t really like saying that, but it’s the truth. I think it sounds bad, but in the real world, that’s the way it is. I am going to have to compete with a lot of these people for teaching jobs that I might want. I want to stand out. I want to try my best in order to get those jobs that I want. And as my time in college draws closer and closer to the end, it’s becoming more and more real that that’s how it’s going to be out there, especially in these hard economic times.

Anywho, I’ll see you on the Dean’s List.

Dear Ohio State Football, November 22, 2008

Thanks for kicking so much Wolverine ass today! It was a great game, although there’s no possible way the game could have been anything different than the 42-7 ass beating you gave Michigan. They just suck so bad. It was harder to get into the Michigan game this year because I just couldn’t get over the fact that they had a 3-8 season. Where’s the competition of two years agos epic #1vs#2 battle? I was at that game 2 years ago and nothing will ever live up to that.

I will miss our seniors, especially #33. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

I still love BSB… November 17, 2008

And yes, BSB does stand for Backstreet Boys.

I’ve just been sitting here watching TRL’s all time finale and how sad is that? I remember watching it when it first came on and it was the coolest show everrrrr. I feel so old that I remember when Carson Daily hosted and when is what just him in a studio with no audience or anything. I’M SO OLDDDD!

I digress.

So the Backstreet Boys performed live on the finale and man, do they still rock. I fucking love them, even if there’s only four left. Did you know they are the biggest selling boy band of all time? They have sold 120 MILLION albums. People don’t sell albums like that anymore at all. And not only are they still so damn good looking, but they’re even better looking than they were 10 years ago. That is the truth.

I have a theory. In the late 90′s, there were two types of girls: those of us(myself included) who LOVED Backstreet Boys and then there were those of us who LOVED N*SYNC(what was with the fucking asterisk? lammmme). You liked one or the other and you knew for sure which one you liked. I remember getting into serious fights with girls in 6th grade about who was better(OMG I’M SO OLD!). We had posters of our men all over our walls. We had every single album(and some that were from Burger King[does ANYONE remember when the Backstreet Boys had Burger King toys and cds?!? Or when N*SYNC and Britney Spears did a video for McDonalds?!?]) Any magazine with even the smallest article about them, we BEGGED our mom for. I’ve seen the Backstreet Boys 4 times in concert(one for almost each cd they have) and every show gets better and better.

They said on TRL tonight that they are working on another album. I will buy it for sure when it comes out. And if they ever visit Columbus, OH again, I will for sure go.

I think people forget how big they were about 10 years ago or how talented they really were. I’d like to give credit where credit is due.

Backstreet’s Back, alright?

Voting November 5, 2008

I voted today! It was the first time I have ever voted for president and I was thrilled to have my voice heard.

That being said, the man I voted for and believe in will probably not be elected the next President of the United States.

Yes, I voted for John McCain. I haven’t told anyone who I voted for until now. I don’t speak about politics because to be honest, I hate politics and I hate the government. That’s why I associate with the party that wants to make the federal government smaller and not ridiculously huge, as the future president will make it. I feel like with the economy the way it is and the value of the dollar right now, my money is for sure better off in my pocket than it is in a government that blows so much money on bullshit every year. Do I think that the ideas for all these government agencies is great? Yea. Do I think they work as it is? Absolutely not. They don’t work. There is too much red tape, there is too much fraud, and there is too much waste.

My vote was cast in private. Those closest to me knew who I was voting for, but if random people came up to me and asked, I would not tell them. They always assumed I was voting for Obama anyway(practically everyone on OSU’s campus did). But knowing that I am in the losing party now, do I regret my vote? No. I don’t. I made my own voice heard and it wasn’t based on my family, my friends, or anyone else. It was based on me.

Knowing McCain will lose, I am going to do something that I guarantee none of my democratic counterparts would have done…I’m going to say McCain fought a good race(it wasn’t the landslide victory polls were assuming), but I am going to wish Obama a lot of luck and I truly hope he rises to the occasion and proves me wrong about him. I hope he can lead the country in the right direction. I don’t agree with him, but I do respect him as the next President of the United States and I hope my fellow Republican voters can also come together and back him now that he is practically the winner. We have no other choice.

Congratulations.

Dear Scheduling at Ohio State, October 30, 2008

I’ve tried to be friends with you on so many occasions, but our relationship always turns out bad. Why can’t you just be simple and fun? Every quarter, I have to sit and go through about 100 classes that I could potentially take. I have to pick the top 3-4 classes and then I have to pick about 5-6 backup classes that I could take in case I don’t get into those top classes I really want. I appreciate your vast selection, but this is getting to be a bit much. You stress me out on so many levels. It’s basically not fair.

Can I just ask you to do me a favor to make both our lives easier? Just let me get into the classes I want to take next quarter, k? Just save me one little spot in all 4 classes I want and we will be set. If you could do that for me, I might be able to re-evaluate our friendship.

Thanks so much for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

21 October 21, 2008

Tonight at midnight, I’m turning 21. And ironically, it’s going to be my first sober birthday in 3 years.

And I have no problems with that.

The summer between high school and college, I went wild. I never drank in high school. Not once. But that summer, all hell broke loose. My friends and I were drunk every night, afternoon, and sometimes mornings too. We didn’t drink beer either. It was always whiskey, tequilla, or rum. And not mixed with anything. Straight up shots. Sometimes right out of the bottle. We spent most of our time and money on liquor.  I literally was like an alcoholic that summer. I did things I am not proud of. I said things I didn’t mean. I thought my parents didn’t know what was going on and it was the first time in my life I lied to them. I made myself sick, in more ways than one. I think that summer was a definite turning point in my relationship with my high school friends. We went from having a lot of fun together to only having fun together drunk. It got old fast. I think that’s a reason I don’t really talk to a lot of them anymore. They are all still that way for the most part and I am not. It’s awkward.

I have the best friends in the WORLD right now, but only a very select few have seen me drunk. I don’t really want that to change. I do not look cool drunk. I do not feel cool drunk. I just end up looking like an ass and feeling like one later on. I think when I was abusing alcohol, it was a way to make myself feel better about myself in a time where my environment didn’t allow me to feel good about myself. But being surrounded by the people that love me GENUINELY now, I don’t need that in my life. Not to say I will never have another alcoholic beverage or get a little tipsy again, but I won’t abuse it. I’m really trying to start acting like the “adult” that I am. I don’t want to backtrack on the progess I’ve made.

I feel more grown up than ever, yet still such a kid at the same time. Thus is life.

Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Ohio State Offense, October 19, 2008

You listened! You showed up and played your hearts out! Thanks so much! Now let’s just beat Penn State and we’ll be in the clear. LOVE YOU GUYS!

Sincerely,

Me

Forgetting Sarah Marshall October 12, 2008

So I watched this movie tonight with my parents…That was awkward. Basically, it’s about a guy who has been dating this famous actress for 5 years and she abruptly breaks up with him. He loses it a little bit and decides to go to Hawaii to get away for awhile, only to find out his ex and her new boyfriend are also staying there. He starts hanging out with the guest service girl there and long story short, they fall in love. When his ex wants to get back together, there are problems with guest service chick, but everything turns out ok. Oh, and Judd Aptow created the movie, so…yea.

Overall, it was an ok movie. Some parts had me laughing hysterically, but it also seemed much longer than its 1 hour and 51 minutes. It was a very touch and go movie. I think the small appearances by Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, and Russell Brand’s sex god rock star characters were the most funny parts. Kristen Bell was kind of forgetful, but Mila Kunis was super cute and really showed she can act in a more adult movie and not just a teenage sitcom(I LOVED That 70s show!). Also, there was waaaay too much Jason Segal penis. Like, a lot of it. Jason Segal wrote the movie, though, so that’s pretty impressive.

I would say this is a good movie to rent, but not as good as Superbad or Pinapple Express. It’s some where in between Knocked Up and those movies, if that helps. Gotta stay in the same genre. 3 1/2 stars.

Dear Ohio State offense, October 12, 2008

Please show up next week. Field goals are not good enough. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Me

An Open Letter October 6, 2008

Dear You,

For so long, I’ve wanted to call you or email you or hell, even facebook you, but I don’t and I can’t. It’s been way too long and too much has happened since you and it would only be taking a step back. So since I can’t say what I need to say to you directly to you in some way, I am going to settle for this. An open letter to the universe. You’ll probably never see it, but it would be all too easy for me to just hand it to you. Perhaps you’ll come across it someday and finally have the explanation that’s so over due. Or maybe I’ll see you and you’ll feel the same way I do now and you’ll not know why. Maybe the universe will fix us in it’s own way without our intervention. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

For a long time, I hated you. I told you and everyone else that I really hated myself for loving you so much, but that was the biggest lie I have ever told. I HATED you with just about the same intensity that I loved you with:fiercely, without abandon, passionately. When I decided it had to be over, I put all the energy I had for loving you and reversed it. I said things I didn’t mean and knew I was saying them because I wanted you to hate me just as much, even if you didn’t. I thought if you hated me too it would be so much easier to get over you. It didn’t help, but I was desperate for anything to ease the weight I felt. You have no idea how painful it was to lose you, as my friend, as my lover, as what I thought was my soul mate. I was looking for anything to ease my discomfort.

I turned my back against you and I knew you didn’t understand why. I had feelings for you for over a year. I had known you for about 5 years, but you were always dating my friend and I was so scared to let myself have feelings for you. When I finally told her, she told me she just wanted me to be happy and she was over you. I know it wasn’t ideal for her, but as my best friend, she would have done anything for me if it made me happy. You and I started getting closer and I fell so in love so fast. You understood me like no one else ever had. You could look at me and know EXACTLY what I was thinking. It was so scary, but so incredible all at the same time. I miss that. I don’t remember our first kiss clearly. I was drunk and all I remember was that one minute I was talking to you, then next I was wrapped up in your arms. From there, it was all down hill.

A couple months later, after I thought we were exclusive, you told me you were going to ask out another girl. I supported you because I didn’t want you to see how much it was really killing me. I went home and cried and cried, but I also formed a plan. I asked out a guy for the same night you were supposed to ask out this girl. I had no interest in him at all, but I wanted to see your reaction. You went crazy. You didn’t ask out the girl, you were so jealous, and when I told you I stopped seeing the other guy, you made me promises you didn’t keep. You told me you loved me and I was your best friend. You told me you would do anything to make me happy, but you couldn’t yet be with me. I told you then and there you had until March(4 more months) to decide what you wanted. That would be a year since I had developed feelings for you.

Those 4 months were the best of my life. We got so much closer, I fell so much more in love, and I was more happy than anything. But I knew the deadline was coming. March 2nd is a night I will never forget. I was meeting you after work to see a movie. You had told me it was going to be a hard night. I wanted to make it special. I bought you your favorite cookies, bought our movie tickets, wore a new outfit, and tried to be extra sweet to you. You never even said thank you. Then, during the movie, there was a moment that changed my life. I wanted to ask you a question during the movie(Zodiac was the movie, I’ll never watch it again), but you turned to me and said, “Babe, shut up, I’m trying to watch this movie!” I have no idea why it was that exact moment, a moment with little to no relavence, but something about that moment(what you said, the way you said it), made me realize, “Oh my god, he doesn’t love me the way I love him.” I started crying in the theater and you asked why. I made something up, but I just realized that we weren’t going to be in each other’s lives much longer. And that realization broke me apart.

A week after that was the last time you and I hung out. I remember our last kiss. It was so quick and thoughtless. After that time, I sent you an email telling you I needed space to myself during my spring break to figure everything out. I never got a response until two weeks later when you called me and acted like nothing had happened. You acted like you hadn’t just obliterated my heart. It just made me so angry. I had spilled everything out to you and got nothing in response. I went off on you. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I wanted to know why. Why you had made me love you. Why I was good enough to be your best friend, your lover behind closed doors, your perfect match in every way, but why I couldn’t get the official title. Why did I have to explain why we weren’t together to everyone we encountered, even complete strangers. All I wanted to know was why and I never got those answers, until a few short months ago.

It took me a long time to stop feeling depressed about us. I lost not only you, but so many of my friends that told me I was being selfish. I don’t think I was. I deserve love. Real love, not someone pretending to love me. I had to start my life over, completely and blindly. I didn’t know who I was. It has taken me a year and half to be able to know me again. I cried more tears than I care to remember. I thought about suicide several times. But I got out of it. And that leads me to the biggest point of all in this letter.

In time, I forgave you. I stopped hating you and I came to find out the reasons why you couldn’t be with me. I know why now, babe. I wish you could have told me yourself, but I know it wasn’t my fault now. I know there was nothing either you or I could have done to change our outcome. And it’s ok. I wouldn’t change it now. I would have never met the wonderful people I have in my life now if not for you. I wouldn’t be as strong or brave as I am now. I would still be afraid of rejection. I know now that I can make it through anything because of you. I know what I deserve. I love myself again. I’m ready to love again.

I forgive you. I don’t hate you. If I saw you today, I wouldn’t be upset with you. I wish you knew that. Please know that. That doesn’t mean I want any sort of relationship with you. I don’t want or need you in my life anymore. But I wouldn’t run the other way if our paths crossed the way I would have done maybe a few months ago. I hope you don’t hate me anymore. I know I did some things wrong too. I wasn’t the person I am now. I was so angry and I’m so sorry for that. You have no idea how sorry I am. I don’t want you to have to live with hatred for me in your soul. I would hope if you saw me on the street, you wouldn’t run the other way. But I have no way of knowing.

I think of you everyday still. Every time you come into my head, I close my eyes and try to send any good vibe in my body those 10 miles from my house to yours and into your soul. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I just want good things for you. I want you to be happy and loved. I don’t know how to be more sincere.

Thank you so much for the time you gave me. I will never, ever forget it or you.

Sincerely,
Me